The World According to Manti Te’o (Or Someone Playing A Trick On The Phone)

Hi, I’m Manti. Praying Manti.

And I want to talk to you about fame and love.

I might be a God-fearing football player, but, boy, fame and love can be powerful things. For real.

They get inside you and it’s like twenty beers, but you can still see straight, grunt and punch the lights out on some girlie-faced quarterback.

How cool is that?

So, as I said to Katie Couric — who really is real (I think) — “What would you do?”

Wouldn’t you say to yourself: “What’s the thing that’s going to bring me the most fame and love?”?

That’s what any normal human being would do. And I’m normal. Faaaaaar from being not normal, if you know what I mean.

Katie loves fame and love, too, doesn’t she? She would have done the same thing. Famous people have made-up girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives all the time. They do it to look good, feel good and be more famous.

I don’t know why people find my story so complicated.


Lennay Kravitz (or whatever her name was) told me she loved me. I loved it. She kept telling me she loved me. I loved it more.

This was personal, not like 100,000 screaming fans. This was one person. On the phone. A lot. And it didn’t interfere with my workouts or nothing.

When she had her car crash and leukemia and all, I noticed that other people loved me even more too. At the same time, I became even more famous.

What’s not to like about that? I loved it.

So what if I never saw her? If I had, it would have been too messy. The media would have wanted to be there. And, well, I’d have had to make real conversation to someone’s face and watch their eyes and mouth and things.

That’s a lot harder than listening to someone breathing and telling you they love you.

And no, I didn’t think of Skypeing her. I could already see what she looked like. She was really cute. When someone that cute tells you she loves you, you take it.

Well, when I say “take it,” I don’t mean take it like that. No, no, no.

Manti’s a prayer, not taker.

If I’d have Skyped her, all the other guys might have looked over my shoulder and she might have thought that they were better looking than me.

You ever thought of that?

That would have meant that I might have lost her. And we at Notre Dame do NOT believe in losing. (Well, maybe once.)

So this was perfect. I got all of the love without any of, you know, that other stuff. And when she died, well, I thought that was a stroke of luck.

Well, you know, not like that. But like, well, that.

Did you see how that made me even more famous? Did you? I didn’t think that would be possible. But it was. How cool was that?

It was like in the movies, you know? I’d never met her, so she was, like, bigger than real. Because I’d never met her. See?

I soaked up the love, without ever needing to do anything other than pick up the phone. I know guys who would kill for that.

You should see what some of their girlfriends make them do. Like, shopping and stuff.

The media is giving me a hard time about not going to see her when she was sick, but again, that would have been too much. That might have REALLY affected me. You know, in a really bad way.

When you’re a football player, there’s only so much room you have for women. Unless you’re AJ McCarron. And he’s a girlie-faced quarterback, so he doesn’t count.

I was going for a simpler way.

This way, you love someone without having to leave your dorm room or having to buy them a burger.

You’re not still confused, are you?

What’s so confusing?

I need to be loved and I need to be famous. Everyone does.

Lennay Kravitz (or whatever her name was) helped me get both. And, to be fair, I gave the love back. A lot. On the phone.

Fame and love make the whole go around. That’s why my head was spinning, see?

Why do you care whether I was in on it or not?

Fame and love aren’t, like, really real. It’s just a game.

So why does it matter if Lennay Kravitz (or whatever her name was) was really real?

Editor’s note: Manti Te’o (or someone who said he was) dictated this to us by phone, so we disclaim all responsibility that it was actually him who said any of these things at all. We aren’t even sure he exists.


Image: EyeOnFootball/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk