Taylor Swift, what if someone wrote a song about you?

Last night, I was watching the Grammys with one ear when a strange tweet appeared in my social firmament.

It read: “Watch out, Chris. You could be her next target!”

I didn’t know whether to be flattered or apply for witness protection.

In fairness, my correspondent had merely been replying to a tweet in which I offered: “Very strange watching Taylor Swift sing along to Mumford’s ‘I Will Wait For You’ when we know she won’t. #Grammys.”

Alright, I did follow it with: “Taylor Swift sings ‘I Will Wait For You.’ Nah, she will wait to see your face when you hear the song she wrote about you. #Grammys.”

It was a long night, you understand.

La Swift is beginning to fascinate me more than Jonathan Swift. Or Swifty Lazar. Or the Swiffer SweeperVac.

She appears to consort with boys for a very short period, after which she unleashes a level of apparent venom upon them in the public arena.

All these boys appear to be famous boys — of one rung of fame or another.

Last night, she attempted what appeared to be a British accent, in order to allegedly tweak the no-doubt God-fearing nose of One Direction singer Harry Styles.

This was in the middle of one of her most vaunted, haunting anthems: “We Are Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together.”

At least I think that’s what it’s called.

It’s certainly no fun when an attractive woman tells you that you will never, ever be with her again.

Unless that attractive woman has certain aspects that cause you to question your sanity for having been with her or her sanity for not noticing just how ephemeral her sanity really is.

There are those who accuse Tay-Tay of having never left her teenage years. There are those who would believe that she might have, secreted deep with her, certain expectations of men that simply aren’t met.

I wouldn’t dream of speculating what sort of expectations these might be. Some people merely expect to be treated like human beings. Some people, however, expect to be treated like the Shah Of Iran. Before he had to vamoose out of Iran, that is.

These people are sometimes called ‘stars.’

My own feeling is that La Swift is not immature at all.

Never, ever, ever.

Never, ever, ever.

I believe she has learned to fight from her earliest moments and understands the beauty of getting one’s retaliation in first.

It may well be that her ex-beaus have always chosen not to ex-pose what went on in their relationships.

I, though, have no such qualms, as I can publicly declare that I have never, ever, ever, ever been involved with Taylor Swift.

Just in case, though, my correspondent is correct, I have decided to pen a song to a famous girl who might, one day, dump me painfully.

Some might see this as a song also penned in advance of my ex deciding that she will never, ever, ever etc get back together with me again and singing a song about it.

Because it is more likely that I will have children with a swan than date Taylor Swift, I penned it in sufficiently generic tones, so that any ex or future boyfriend of, say, Taylor Swift can, well, tailor it to his needs.

It’s called “I’m Writing About You Before You Write About Me.”

You made me laugh, you made me smile,

But all my friends said: “Watch the bile”

I’m leaving you right now, right now, right now.

Right now, right now, right now.

Your nose is cute, your voice is sweet,

But then I looked down at your feet.

I’m leaving you right now, right now, right now.

Right now, right now, right now.

You write great songs, you play ping-pong

Your teeth are white, we never fight

But your size 12s give me such a fright

That I’m taking Valium and Xanax every night,

Yes, every, every, every, every, every night.

 

Chorus

So I’m writing about you before you write about me

I’m getting my verse and chorus in, before you smack me on the chin

With a catchy tune and the words of a loon

I’m trying to be clever.

By saying never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

Will I talk to you again.

 

Then there’s your past, flags at half-mast,

Love gone so fast, guys in a cast

I just can’t take the noise you’ll make

If you pop out of a cake

So I’m leaving you right now, right now, right now, right now

I fear your rep, I fear your rap

I fear the sound of your vocal slap

If I don’t say please, if I’m not on my knees

You might get really mad.

Really, really, really, really, really, really mad

And when I think of what rhymes with Chris, it’s this

A lot of bad words like ‘hiss’ and ‘piss’

You made me wait three weeks before I could get a kiss

That’s four weeks far too long.

That sure deserves a song.

 

So I’m writing about you before you write about me

I’m getting my verse and chorus in, before you smack me on the chin

With a catchy tune and the words of a loon

I’m trying to be clever.

By saying never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

Will I talk to you again.

 

It needs a little work, but I think it’s getting there. It is available to all ex-boyfriends of famous girl singers who can sing and have a lot of money.

 

Image: Taylor Swift/VEVO Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  1. I see an iTunes #1 hit in your future.

    Reply

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