Putin Denies Man-Love Inspired Him To Solve Syria Crisis

What exactly moved Russian president Vladimir Putin to intervene in the Syria crisis and propose a radically human proposal?

In an interview that can only be described as exceptional, Putin addressed some of the deeper motivations behind his sudden lurch toward soothing the human spirit with the low light of a thousand scented candles.

Confronted by direct questions from a journalist representing the Russian magazine PDA, Putin stood his ground.

He was asked: “Is there any truth in the rumor that feelings for your fellow man played a role in trying to ease world tension?”

The reply was succinct: “I have always loved men. This is nothing new.”

At least, this was the translation offered by Yuri Pinkov, an emergency translator brought in by the United Nations from Sydney, Australia.

Putin seemed unaware of the wide-eyed stares this response elicited from English-speaking journalists.

His facial features permanently stretched in a stoic expression not unlike that of several Hollywood stars, he explained further: “I have bared myself to the world on several occasions. I have spread my arms out wide to my fellow man and told him that, though I believe Russia should always be on top, there is no reason we cannot live together. This has always been my position.”

The correspondent from PDA, Tatyana Robustya, probed further.

A handsome man.

A handsome man.

She asked whether it was any coincidence that journalists such as Anna Politovskaya had been found dead and the members of the band Pussy Riot had been imprisoned.

“These are, after all, women,” she explained.

Putin stared for the longest time, still slightly unsure what she was trying to get at.

“But my former wife is a woman,” he said. “She was not imprisoned. Well, not after we were married, anyway.”

This was clearly intended as a joke, but Robustya wasn’t deterred.

“Your topless poses in the water with your very long fishing rod, Mr. President,” she said. “Do you think they’re more attractive to men or women?”

“We are here to talk about Syria,” he replied, sternly.

Robustya contrasted the lush treatment offered to the dashing American, Edward Snowden, with Syria’s alleged abuse of female human rights activists.

“We merely gave him a nice hotel room, where the walls were a soothing off-white, the ceiling had large, bedazzled mirrors and the sheets and pillows matched his beautifully muted gray shirts,” said the president.

Putin was last seen heading for a spa for the weekend.

Robustya’s byline has mysteriously disappeared from view. As, in fact, has her magazine.