Prosecutors demand police dog makes statement, upset when police dog complies

Police dogs are trained to be obedient.

Well, obedient and nasty when the need arises.

In this, they are little different from children, except, on balance, slightly more useful.

Children cannot be trained to sniff out drugs. They’re not as naturally affectionate either.

And ask them to make a statement that doesn’t begin with “I want” and you could be standing there for a long, long time.

There again, prosecutors in England seem to have stood waiting for a long, long time for a statement from one particular police dog.

This police dog is called Peach.

Peach is a fine police dog. Occasionally, he has to be involved in raids and other exciting events.

When the police make statements after catching bad people, they have to declare who was there. So, after one particularly exciting arrest of a criminal, the police officers at the scene dutifully recorded that Peach had been part of the arrest.

It seems that the highly intelligent and sensitive beings who work for the West Midlands Crown Prosecution Service in England, decided that Peach must be a policeman.

It’s unclear why.

But they kept demanding an official statement from “PC Peach.” “PC” stands for “Police Constable,” which is what the British call their disarming, charming officers.


The police kept trying to explain to the prosecutors that Peach was a dog. No, not in the ribald sense that certain policemen might refer to one of their brotherhood.

Indeed, they kept insisting that this Peach had four legs, barked and was an Alsatian who hadn’t been born in the Alsace region of France.

The prosecutors’ ears were as numb as their skulls, it seems.

Finally and understandably, Peach’s handlers whispered to the dog and explained he had to send the prosecutors something.

So, as the Daily Mail reports, he dictated it to them and signed it with his paw print.

The statement read: “I chase him. I bite him. Bad man. He tasty. Good boy. Good boy Peach.”

You might imagine that when the prosecutors received this, they laughed at their own doofusness.

You might also imagine that rabid hyenas make perfect house pets.

For the prosecutors reportedly decided to foam at the mouth and emote the arrant self-righteousness of someone who works on Wall Street, but is also a cyclist.

They demanded that the policeman behind Peach’s witness statement be disciplined.

Why would they do this? Because a copy of Peach’s witness statement was circulated among several police forces, until it appeared on — where else? — Facebook and Twitter.

Being exposed to public ridicule can be far too much to take for an insecure soul.

A fine recent example is the story of the Georgia State Representative who got so upset when a blogger Photoshopped his head onto a porn star’s body that he now wants all lewd Photoshopping to be made illegal.

How odd, though, that these prosecutors seem incapable of slapping themselves on the forehead at their own myopia.

Perhaps they fear they’d miss.

All they have done is encourage the idea that they are nincompoops of the most galling kind.

But, being lawyers, perhaps that came to them just a little too naturally.