Prosecutor Indicts Lying Groundhog

If there’s one type of being that truly fails to understand the concept of enough, it’s the animal.

We indulge them to infinity. We coddle them with food, love and shelter. And still they behave in whatever manner they choose, lording it over us like louche 40s actresses.

Finally, someone has decided to take a stand.

A prosecutor in Ohio has decided to sue a famous groundhog who was arrogant enough to every year predict the coming of spring.

Yes, not content to merely chew on whatever he deemed worth chewing, Punxsutawney Phil thought he could command the world’s attention whenever he emerged from hibernation.

If his shadow wasn’t visible, so the huckterism went, spring would come early.

The fine, upstanding, perhaps future Attorney-General prosecutor of Butler County, Ohio, Mike Gmoser, understands the concept of enough.

As the BBC reports, he realized that Phil was full of it, just another Barnum and Bailey act of deception, looking to be fed with woodchips and fame.

Gmoser declared: “Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

Yes, of course he’s seeking the death penalty.

Animals seem to uniformly believe they can get away with anything. It might be defecating on your favorite Trollope novel or shedding hairs all over your shagpile.

We rarely take them to court. They don’t even seem to understand the concept of a misdemeanor. They flounce along believing that acting cute — or, in the case of wretched pitbulls, tough — will get them by.

No mas, mastiffs.

Gmoser explained that Phil’s utter disregard for truth was a felony that offended “the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio. ”

Yes, he’s an even bigger Punxsutawney than LeBron James.

Guilty, surely.

Guilty, surely.

Oh, Phil’s animal handlers are claiming that he’s lawyering up. But as Gmoser told ABC News: “I deal with a lot of rats every day.”

Personally, I very much hope this comes to court. There are far too many dachshunds, otters, badgers and other crawly beasts who seriously believe that the planet is theirs and they can treat it however they like.

One should offer them the news: The humans have taken over. You animals are nothing more than the detritus that was left behind after civilization occurred.

You’re the wrapping on your popsicle.

We, the humans, can make you extinct. We can also, thanks to our vast intelligence, bring you back to life, as we did this week with the frog that gives birth through its mouth.

The worst thing about animals is that they genuinely believe they are at one with the Earth, that their way of life is somehow more natural than ours.

It isn’t. They are just as dirty, smelly, self-centered, capricious, obnoxious, obstinate and ignorant as we are.

It’s time that we stopped offering them some sort of exalted hall-pass while we struggle for heat, money and love.

I can think of no better place for the animal world to finally be put in its place than a court of law. Let them eat snake.

Yes, defenders might try and claim that humans and their pets end up looking like each other and even behaving in similar ways.

But it’s time the animals stopped taking advantage.

They’re making us look like fools.


Image: ABC News Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk