President Obama And Tiger Woods On The Golf Course: The Trash Talk

You might not have heard, but Tiger Woods and President Obama both like playing golf.

Today, though, as Reuters reported, the two of them decided to play golf together for the first time.

I managed to persuade my connection with the Fifth Dimension, Zelda The Former Welder, to create a psychic hyperlink between me on my cushion-laden sofa and two of the world’s most famous men on their cushy day off.

This is what I heard over the psychic airwaves. The atmosphere seems to have drifted between the fractious and the frat-cious.

“You’re not so popular right now, are you?’

Yes, that was Woods to the President. Tiger is well known for getting his intimidation in as soon as he possibly can and he wasn’t going to suddenly go soft on a man who can nuke it any time he wants.

It doesn’t help that the President is a lefty, something that makes Woods break out in peculiar hives on his forehead. He has never forgiven Phil Mickelson for being, well, Phil Mickelson.

The President knows he isn’t such a good golfer, so he offered Woods his familiar version of the diplomat’s respectful bow in response.

“But I managed to help make Mickelson actually less popular than you for a day, didn’t I?”

This was a sly reference to the California-based left-hander’s ill-judged whining about his taxes going up because he’s so odorously rich.

Woods acknowledged the President’s retort with his version of admiration: the slightly nerdish grin.

He continued: “I enjoyed that. But you still manage to be less popular than either of us. I mean, your popularity rating sometimes dips below Snooki’s. Or even Tara Reid’s.”

The President allowed himself a small nod before saying: “Yeah. But my wife still talks to me. Can you say the same?”

Woods suddenly realized that this supposed nice guy, who didn’t really like to get down and dirty, was quite au-fait with the grime that comes with high-level competition.

“What’s it like to have had only one woman for the last 25 years?” he shot back. “No wonder you’ve missed three four-footers already.”

This was factually true. The President still has work to do on his game. Like all casual golfers, he has problems with his putting, as well as an over-the-top shoulder.

The President loves his golf.

The President loves his golf.

But he plays basketball too, so he knows how to use his elbows.

“The last time you won a Major, I was still a State Senator. So which one of us has won more since 2008?” he said, in that reasonable voice he has.

“My knee hurt even more than watching you mess up a war or two,” Woods shot back. “I could barely walk.”

Tiger has a military background. They say he trained with the Navy Seals. How could he not try to draw blood?

“Where were you when I killed Osama?” said the President, almost raising his voice. “In bed with someone called Cindi whose real name is Rebecca?”

This was in danger of taking a nasty turn. This was crawling beyond a Harvard-Stanford jestfest. This was guttural trash.

“Wait a minute. I had a syndrome, a complex, an addiction. At least that’s what my agents told me,” explained Woods. “You had Navy Seals to do your dirty work. I’d like to see you train with them like I did.”

“I’d like to see you spend five minutes with Netanyahu and not start eating your eyebrows,” sniffed the President. “Do you have any idea what diplomacy means? It means hiding the truth for a better good. You couldn’t even hide the truth from the National Enquirer.”

“You’re going to talk to me about truth and a better good? You said you’d shut Guantanamo and you didn’t,” said Woods, slightly skriekily.

“You said you had a minor car accident. Did you see the state of your Escalade? Even Michelle laughed about that,” hissed the President.

By this stage, their playing partners were walking ten steps behind. They wanted no part of this strangely competitive sideshow.

“Why can’t you admit the real truth?” asked Woods, trying to regain the upper elbow. “You’d much rather be me than you?”

“What? And become the object of derision for millions?” said the President.

“Have you seen what they think of you down South?” smoothed Woods. “I’m talking about nothing you do will ever feel as good as hitting…..”

“….on a Perkins waitress,” interrupted the President, almost smugly.

“…than hitting a three-wood 273 yards to a suicidal pin and leaving the ball three feet from the cup.”

The President paused and thought. He considered the two Majors that he’d won, the last being not remotely as exhilarating as the first.

But then he thought about the battles over Obamacare and the debt ceiling. He thought about the everyday grinding of teeth to get anything done.

He thought about how hard it was to get anyone to even consider concepts such as national unity, human dignity or common sense. And then there was Karzai, Boehner and, yes, Netanyahu.

He turned to Woods, put a fraternal arm around his shoulder and said: “You know what, Tiger. You’re right.”


Image: Drew Hendrickson/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk