Police: Husband Tries To Shoot Off Wedding Ring, Shoots Finger Instead

I have great confidence in America’s prison guards.

I have slightly less confidence in America’s men.

Somehow, especially when American men drink, their inner Neanderthal overwhelms their outer, slightly more developed appearance.

An example of this is when you see drunken American men trying to eat a cheeseburger. What results seems not unlike the latter stages of a rodent mass murder.

Another example of this might be Alfredo Malespini III. He is the prison guard who, police say, tried to shoot himself in the ring, but only hit his finger.

You did, indeed, read that correctly.

Malespini Three allegedly entered, perhaps injudiciously, into a verbal Three-For-All with his wife. He was allegedly drunk at the time, which means that his faculties will have lost their faculties.

So, in an act of perhaps artistic symbolism, police say that he took out his gun and decided to shoot the wedding ring off his finger.

I imagine that he may have been trying to offer some kind of gesture to the effect that his marriage to his wife was not quite as he’d prefer.

As the Associated Press shoots it, there had been trouble of an intimate nature reported at the Malespini Three household in Bradford, Pennsylvania before.

Shoot, that must have hurt.

Shoot, that must have hurt.

But never had it come to a man pointing his revolver at himself in order to give his marriage the finger.

Lt. Steve Caskey of the Bradford Police told the AP that Three “had been drinking quite heavily throughout the day and he and his wife had been arguing throughout the day about an affair he had had several months ago.”

This is just a shot in the dark, but if Caskey’s words are accurate, there might have been cause for his wife to do a little shooting and perhaps aiming beyond the finger.

I am merely speculating, however.

When a relationship devolves into accusation, recrimination and loaded ammunition, control can be extremely hard to exercise.

As is often the case in America, when guns and emotions are in intimate proximity, good things very rarely happen.

What remains unrecorded, however, is how Malespini’s wife reacted to this apparent act of Three Will.

Some would, nevertheless, admire the very idea that a prison guard’s shooting skills might be brilliant enough to fire his wedding ring off without damaging the rather wider target presented by his finger. Or, indeed, the rest of the physical world.

In this case, sadly, his ambitions went astray, as his finger was hurt and taken to hospital, along with the rest of him.

And now there are charges. Among these is reckless endangerment, which could endanger his freedom for as many as two years.

Let he (or she) who has not done something stupid during a lovers’ tiff take up a gun and try to shoot a little toenail off.

Perhaps, though, shooting off your wedding ring — like so many other things — merely requires practice.

Not that I would ever suggest a Three-Peat, but perhaps the NRA might make a video to indicate the best technique.



Image: Kirchhoff007/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk