• The Government Is The Child, The People Are The Parents

    I’m finding myself shutting down to every mention of the shutdown.

    Accusations are being flung, the last juices from weak arguments are being wrung, and no one is any the wiser.

    Indeed, with every new word, many politicians offering themselves on camera seem quite the more stupid.

    It’s odd that this is a drama being played out by people who are supposed to protect us.

    President after president insists that his main job is to keep America safe.

    It’s not to make America more prosperous, more intelligent or more sturdy. It’s to keep America inside a cocoon of security.

  • So What’s It Really Like Dining At Jiro?

    You really don’t want to become a movie star. You’ll attract the wrong sort.

    That’s what my mom always said to me. And that’s what I think has happened to Jiro, who dreams of sushi.

    Sadly, I appear to be that wrong sort.

    I managed to get a reservation at Sukiyabashi Jiro, one of the two restaurants made world-famous by the documentary “Jiro Dreams Of Sushi.”

    You’ll be wondering how I did this. Well, I asked the concierge at the Park Hotel in Tokyo a few days before.

    It was nothing more than that.

  • What Japan can teach America

    They bow.

    Is it subservient? Yes.

    It’s subservient to the concept of “I respect you and I have time for you.”

    It’s quite an alien concept these days.

    In Japan, time moves, but it stands still.

    Some say all the traditions and hierarchies make for frustration.

    This must be true. But I’ve spent the last 10 days here and what I see dances beautifully with what I don’t see.

    I see a gentleness and kindness that I don’t see in many other places. People come up to me and ask if I need help.

  • Putin Denies Man-Love Inspired Him To Solve Syria Crisis

    What exactly moved Russian president Vladimir Putin to intervene in the Syria crisis and propose a radically human proposal?

    In an interview that can only be described as exceptional, Putin addressed some of the deeper motivations behind his sudden lurch toward soothing the human spirit with the low light of a thousand scented candles.

    Confronted by direct questions from a journalist representing the Russian magazine PDA, Putin stood his ground.

    He was asked: “Is there any truth in the rumor that feelings for your fellow man played a role in trying to ease world tension?”

  • Olive Garden Is Now Serving Tapas. Wait, what?

    I’ve been to Olive Garden once.

    That is both true and mean.

    I found the vast amounts of food ladled onto the plates not dissimilar to Babette’s Feast, if Babette had been born in that part of Italy known as Defester, Alabama.

    The only problem with the food is that it didn’t taste of food. Or at least of the kinds of things that I associated at the time with food.

    Again, that is both true and mean.

    I suppose that if you imagine yourself as a steam engine and the chefs at Olive Garden as Casey Jones, then it would have all made sense.

  • Two Thumbs Up For Miley Cyrus

    I’m supposed to dislike Miley Cyrus.

    I know this because she appeared on some award show on Sunday night and by Monday everyone was saying I should dislike her.

    Actually, by Sunday night, those who had watched in New York were already madly tweeting like Jesus clearing the temple of tradesmen.

    They were Oh-My-Godding and Bless-My-Souling as if she’d stripped off to her underwear on national television.

    Which, actually, she had.

    But not to the point of distaste. Just to the point of “Oh, you’re 20 and you’d like us to think you’re sexy, I see.”

  • A-Rod And The Power Of The Excuse

    We all lie to ourselves.

    We’re good at it.

    We know exactly how to talk ourselves into things and how to explain our own behavior to ourselves.

    We use those explanations adeptly, whenever we’re asked awkward questions.

    My dad beat me. My mother was a prima donna. My dog always preferred my little brother.

    I am a victim, don’t you see?

    That’s why I lose my temper. That’s why I can be rude and uncaring. That’s why I act spoiled.

    Nobody ever spoiled me, don’t you get it? That’s why I have to spoil myself.

  • Man Tries To Rob Gun Store With Baseball Bat (Strikes Out)

    I had always imagined that many robberies are better planned than most weddings.

    The joint is cased, the timings are worked out to perfection and the take is cut at the end of the proceedings.

    Sometimes, though, robbers are either desperate, bored or astoundingly trusting in their makers.

    For they eschew planning in favor of, well, the exciting act itself.

    This act of malice without aforethought tends to turn out about as well as most early morning weddings between drunken people at a Vegas chapel.

    I bring you the tale of Derrick Mosley. He is 22-years-old and he clearly knows where the money is.

  • Why The Royal Baby Is More Interesting Than ‘Game Of Thrones’

    The excitement over Kanye of Cambridge escapes me a little.

    Oh, you’re not aware that this is the name of the newest member of the British Royal Family?

    Surely, it must be a finalist. Along with Tom Richard Harry Windsor, no doubt.

    Even when I lived in England, I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

    Until, that is, I realized that this was one of Britain’s last remaining gifts to the world.

    Gone are the colonies and the habits they imposed.

  • Indiana Stops (o)Inking Vanity Plates

    It’s a pig of a problem.

    But it’s one with which so many imaginative drivers in Indiana will have to cope.

    For they will not be able to adorn their new Teslas with “ILUVTESS,” or some other fine bon mot.

    It all started, as problems sometimes do, with a humorous policeman. As the Indianapolis Star reports, Rodney Vawter is a policeman who, for three years, enjoyed the license plate “0INK” on his personal car.

    He tried to renew it in March and, in a fit of odd gravity, the local Bureau of Motor Vehicles said no.