• No, You Are Not Sensitive

    I want to talk about my feelings.

    Actually, they’re so twisted that even shrinks don’t want to talk about them, so let’s talk about yours.

    There’s a phrase I’ve heard over and over again — often when meeting people for the first time.

    I’m a really sensitive person.”

    The minute this is said, my stomach tends to turn toward one of the poles and makes a troubled journey.

    Several possibilities follow the bile juices on their jagged route.

    First: This person may be easily hurt.

    Second: This person may have a vast ego.

  • Excitement And Depression: The Twin American Obsessions

    I came to America because I wanted to watch live football, basketball and baseball.

    It’s shallow, I know.

    But I thought America was the home of shallow, so that kind of sentiment would be appreciated.

    I wasn’t ready, though, for the nuances of American vocabulary.

    And two words came at me again and again, with such regularity that I haven’t stopped thinking about them in the 14 years I’ve been here.

    Every time something pissed me off, caused me to pout even momentarily or even have a slight moody for the rest of the day, someone would utter these words: “Are you depressed?”

  • Why You Should Never Have Goals

    You’re not an American, and you’re especially not Hillary Clinton, if you don’t have goals.

    Americans are told very early on that life is about setting goals and then bulging every sinew to reach them.

    This seems simple, linear even.

    That’s the problem.

    Life’s path is as linear as that of a snake after ten Becks, two whiskey chasers and a large rat pie.

    It draws you here, entices you there and slaps you constantly from every direction in every part of your being.

    Yet, if you’re goal-oriented, you’re supposed to ignore all that.

  • Why Taylor Swift Knows More About Relationships Than You Do

    In times of distress, stress or psychological regression, many people turn to Taylor Swift.

    It’s understandable.

    She has appeared to navigate the stormy waters of love by, well, making lots of money out of them.

    Her ark of triumphant retribution seems to float through the torrents that might drown lesser beings and sails happily onto the dry land of the next awards show stage.

    She has admitted to limiting herself to relationships that inspire songs.

  • Chris Christie And Baseball Writers In Never-Never-Knew-Land

    “I don’t recall,” is always the best one.

    How can anyone prove what you remember and what you don’t?

    The funniest part of this line — used by people as similar as Ronald Reagan and Piers Morgan — is that there’s always the allowance for this further quote: “The minute I walk out of here, I just might remember. Life’s funny like that.”

    A close second to “I don’t recall” is “I didn’t know.”

    It’s classically political.

    “I’ll let you do this, but if it anyone ever asks me, I’ll say I didn’t know.”

  • Miami’s Quiet Secret

    I don’t really want to tell you this. You might spoil my fun.

    You see, I’m probably the only person that you (don’t) know who comes to Miami for the peace and quiet.

    “But that’s impossible,” you’ll say, over the din of some salsa music.

    It’s not. Here’s my secret, one I’ve been privy to for many years.

    Without telling anyone, you book a hotel for December — specifically for the day after Art Basel.

    This is an event where famous and not so famous people turn up to stare at naked women spending three days with pigs in a store window.

  • McDonald’s Finds A Way To Get Rid Of Kids: Opera

    I know teenagers have their place.

    It’s just generally not my place. Or any place that I enjoy being on a regular basis.

    Of course there are nice teenagers. But they tend to get less nice when they’re in a group.

    Then, the decibel level rises, the quality of intellectual conversation dips and the sense of profound nihilism and inertia plagues everything in the vicinity.

    This is a feeling one McDonald’s in Australia seems to understand.

    The Mt. Annan McDonald’s, just outside Sydney, finds itself assailed most nights with hordes of loitering teens who have less purpose than a Chia Pet.

  • Hunter Shoots Robotic Deer In Neck (That’s Illegal)

    Hunters must hunt. It’s in their blood, their genes, their very soul.

    Sometimes, though, the blood rushes to their heads, their genes twitch with abandon, and their souls are uplifted by the thought of the kill.

    There’s a season of goodkill, though.

    It’s one that some hunters occasionally disregard. Take the tale of Brett Russel Thompson of Myakka City, Fla., who allegedly espied a deer by the roadside and thought: “Aha, please don’t move.”

    As the Miami Herald reports, police say Thomson told them — after they had taken his tail into custody — that he knew it wasn’t hunting season.

  • Google Spying ‘Outrageous,’ Says Obama

    President Barack Obama reacted with what some deemed as muted fury when he heard that Google had been spying on his emails for a number of years.

    “It’s really outrageous that an advertising company is looking at the messages I send to my Michelle about our children, our dogs and our social events,” he said. “It’s clear that my jibes about Mitt Romney’s dog, Newt Gingrich’s marriages and Vladimir Putin’s nipples have been viewed by so-called machines in an undisclosed location with unknown consequences for national security.”

  • Why Do Cheerleaders Want Their Recreation To Be Called A Sport?

    I never thought I’d have so much contact with the cheerleading community.

    Well, not after I once (or twice) kissed a former cheerleader of the San Francisco 49-ers.

    However, just one post about a court case has brought a constant avalanche of objections.

    As if leaping from a pyramid of woe, cheerleading women and men have descended here to toss Molotov Pom-Poms in my direction.

    Did I declare them unworthy of existence? Not at all. Did I suggest they were several lines short of a cheerleaders cocaine party? Perish the snort.