Oven Shoots Woman (No, Really)

As Mitt Romney’s wife might have put it, ovens are people too.

They can only take so much of you overheating them to the point that they want to rush to the nearest Burns Unit.

They can only take so much of you making them tolerate the noxious fumes that come with something you think is Shepherd’s Pie.

They can only take so much of you leaving them dirtier than the average French mountaineer.

Now, one oven has decided to fight back.

Who knows what mood she was actually in? It might have been rage brought on by years of neglect or days of overuse.

In any case, this oven — belonging to 25-year-old Javarski “JJ” Sandy of St. Petersburg, Fla. –decided to enact a St. Petersburg massacre.

It shot Aalaya Walker, 18.

Walker claimed she was only trying to use it to make some waffles.

Some story.

As the Tampa Bay Times reports, Walker was wounded in her chest and leg.

How could this have happened? Ovens don’t have arms and fingers. How could this psychopathic oven have pulled the trigger?

Well, it seems that Sandy had left a magazine from a .45-caliber Glock 21 in that oven.

It looks beautiful. But is it armed?

It looks beautiful. But is it armed?

You will ask why. I will tell you that I have no idea and do not believe that living in St.Petersburg Fla. is a sufficient excuse.

Why would anyone put a magazine in an oven? It might be for safety’s sake, to keep it far away from the Glock itself.

It may be a belief that warm bullets fly faster and truer than cold ones.

It may even be because he has a special recipe for lasagne that is enhanced by the fragrant fumes of a smoldering Glock magazine.

In any case, the waffles never got made, because the oven shot off its rounds as its was being pre-heated.

Poor Aalaya Walker was forced to walk to the bus in order to get to the hospital.

Thankfully, she only suffered superficial injuries.

But what about the subsequent psychological scars that might be there every time she enters a kitchen, in desperate need of a waffle or even a slice of toast?

Imagine if, every time you walked into a kitchen, you first had to check whether any of the appliances wanted you dead.

The thoughts that would run through your head.

“The fridge is looking mean today. I wonder if it’s packing.”

Or perhaps: “The microwave’s staring at me a little too long. What if there’s a bazooka in there?”

Or even: “My George Foreman grill’s suddenly looking like OJ Simpson. What if it’s got a rocket launcher?”

I feel sure a new branch of psychiatry will shortly sprout and ovenophobia, fridgeophobia and dishwasherophobia will be recognized as genuine conditions.

Please remember, just because kitchen appliances don’t look like they’re out to get you, it doesn’t mean that they’re not.



Image: KitchenAid/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk