Google Spying ‘Outrageous,’ Says Obama

President Barack Obama reacted with what some deemed as muted fury when he heard that Google had been spying on his emails for a number of years.

“It’s really outrageous that an advertising company is looking at the messages I send to my Michelle about our children, our dogs and our social events,” he said. “It’s clear that my jibes about Mitt Romney’s dog, Newt Gingrich’s marriages and Vladimir Putin’s nipples have been viewed by so-called machines in an undisclosed location with unknown consequences for national security.”

He continued: “It’s not OK. I feel like my privacy has been violated, my personal life has been spied on. I’m the president. I’m the last person whose privacy you should be messing with. I’m good at killing people. ”

The president was especially upset that whenever he went to his Gmail account, he would see ads for such products as “Psychiatric Guidance,” “Marriage Counseling,” “Drug Rehabilitation,” “Nipple Piercing” and “PETA.”

The president feels his privacy has been violated.

The president feels his privacy has been violated.

“These ads are a reflection of a gross invasion of my personal life. Emails are supposed to be private. They’re not for anyone else’s consumption. The fact that I think Ron Paul is borderline insane, Justin Bieber is on crack and Ted Cruz is the very worst sort of Canadian are nobody’s business unless I make it their business. And they’re certainly no reason for me to suddenly be bombarded with ads for the Canadian Tea Party and Selena Gomez’s new album.”

The president said that he had registered a complaint with Google’s Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt and Gmail’s customer service. He said he might expect a reply in a couple of weeks — from Schmidt, at least.

Part of his letter of complaint read: “Google has collected the full text of 36,486 of my emails, as well as records of my 17 hours a week spent watching YouTube videos. None of this should be any of Google’s business. ”

Google responded with a curt statement: “Google conducts all of its activities in accordance with applicable laws, regulations, and policies — and assertions to the contrary do a grave disservice to the company, its allies and partners, and the men and women who make up your future overlords and masters.”

The president responded with an equally brusque retort: “There clearly are cases where evil people exist — and they have to put ads in front of your eyes wherever you happen to be. But you don’t have to violate the privacy of every single citizen of America to sell them onesies with buttercups on them.”

The president is said to be mulling sanctions against Google.

These include releasing NSA surveillance information about the sexual predilections of senior Google figures, as well as the true accident rates of Google’s self-driving cars.

He is also said to be considering a ban on Google Glass, on the grounds that it offends public taste.