Archive for March, 2013

  • Stoner Cold? Men Caught Smoking Pot In Police Parking Lot

    If I were to write a pilot for a TV series, it would have to be called “Parking Lot.”

    At first glance, these might merely be places where you leave your car in order to enjoy a burger, a haircut or an intellectual Hollywood movie.

    There is, though, a culture that exists far beyond the tarmacadam surface.

    Why, only yesterday there was news of a man who had been espied allegedly hunting deer in a Walmart parking lot.

    That seemed to be so far beyond a Seinfeldian imagination that it might never be bested.

  • Man Accused Of Hunting Deer In Walmart Parking Lot

    Some headlines are strange.

    Some, though, cause strange to walk away and declare that in no way will it be associated with something like that.

    This headline might be one of those. Police, you see, in Pennsylvania, insist that a man wandered into the Walmart parking lot in Burrell Township and went a-hunting for deer.

    Should you be familiar with deer, they do tend to waft toward places where people also roam. They look all wide-eyed and innocent, but you know they’re really just on the lookout for food, as are we all.

  • Why Tiger Woods’ New Nike Ad Is Brilliant

    He went, in one almost hilarious night, from hero today to gone tomorrow.

    All it takes to go from deified to vilified is one broken marriage, one broken golf club, and one broken relationship with you adoring public.

    Tiger Woods proved he wasn’t perfect, so the people cast aspersions, stones and him aside.

    He had sex with how many women? Perhaps even he lost count. Perhaps he never tried to count. We did it for him.

    Of course, some of his former bedfellows came out to make a little money from his reputation’s carcass. It was a game. Fair game.

  • Store Decides To Charge $5 For Browsing

    I have always thought that health-nuts veered toward the latter syllable of that phrase and far away from the former.

    When an obsession becomes creepy — and, often, pungent — one’s sympathy for it wanes like one’s affection for a morning banana.

    One place of moral and digestional virtue has, perhaps, superseded the usual boundaries of HealthNuttia.

    For a gluten-free grocery store in Brisbane, Australia is charging browsers.

    No, not those things you use to search online for things you don’t need, gluten-free or not. I am talking about people who wander into the store with a minimum of fascination.

  • Man Wearing ‘Wanted’ t-shirt arrested

    I worry sometimes that if I worry about things, they will inevitably come true.

    It’s less tempting fate and more living for a reasonable amount of time.

    Injustice, pain and disappointment tend to outweigh success and joy by a factor of around 2,400 to 1.

    So one has to try and cut off one’s thoughts in order not to tempt ill-fortune to excess.

    I cannot help, therefore, but feel a kinship with a man in Taiwan who was arrested last week. It’s not that I always feel kinship with those who have been arrested.

  • Prosecutor Indicts Lying Groundhog

    If there’s one type of being that truly fails to understand the concept of enough, it’s the animal.

    We indulge them to infinity. We coddle them with food, love and shelter. And still they behave in whatever manner they choose, lording it over us like louche 40s actresses.

    Finally, someone has decided to take a stand.

    A prosecutor in Ohio has decided to sue a famous groundhog who was arrogant enough to every year predict the coming of spring.

    Yes, not content to merely chew on whatever he deemed worth chewing, Punxsutawney Phil thought he could command the world’s attention whenever he emerged from hibernation.

  • Maine State Lottery officials accused of having a Kwikie

    The true art of politics is to utter the stupid, the objectionable or the utterly mendacious, all with a straight face.

    Which is why I admire greatly the political talents of those involved in the Maine State Lottery.

    These fine people decided that their scratch-off tickets needed an aura of renewed excitement.

    This is called “rebranding,” among the marketingorati.

    The main people at the Maine State Lottery clearly had the whole English lexicon at their disposal.

    They also had the alphabet, whose letters are now put together by brand-name creators to form all sorts of nonsensical names such as Altria and the extremely efficacious beauty soap called Pinus.

  • Police: Husband Tries To Shoot Off Wedding Ring, Shoots Finger Instead

    I have great confidence in America’s prison guards.

    I have slightly less confidence in America’s men.

    Somehow, especially when American men drink, their inner Neanderthal overwhelms their outer, slightly more developed appearance.

    An example of this is when you see drunken American men trying to eat a cheeseburger. What results seems not unlike the latter stages of a rodent mass murder.

    Another example of this might be Alfredo Malespini III. He is the prison guard who, police say, tried to shoot himself in the ring, but only hit his finger.

    You did, indeed, read that correctly.

  • Nazi, Moi? Perish The Thought, Says Nazi-Saluting Soccer Player

    It’s hard not to spend all of one’s time trying to decipher the mind of Giorgos Katidis.

    Should you have spent your recent hours being hypnotized by malevolent dwarves, Katidis is the Greek soccer player who scored a goal, took off his shirt and then made what seemed a rather accurate impression of a Nazi salute.

    What’s odd is that images from the game show him making the salute more than once, as if he rather enjoyed the experience.

    Please don’t imagine that Nazi salutes are entirely invisible in Europe. You’ll see them around soccer stadiums and city squares in places like Italy and Croatia.

  • Palin Proves Why Republicans Are Confusing And Confused

    Republicans ought to be more democratic than Democrats.

    They’re always quicker to wrap themselves in America.

    When they utter the words “We, The People,” they always know they are talking about themselves first.

    If they could get the flag designers to create all their clothes, they would.

    They are and feel America, right at their core.

    But what’s odd when they get together in groups is that, all too often, America annoys the hell out of them.

    So many of the Republican speakers at this week’s Conservative Political Action Conference sounded mad as hell and afraid they’d have to take more.