• On May 17, 2013

    Why Won’t Banks Lend Money To Porn Stars?

    Looking down your nose at someone can be quite dangerous.

    When they look up, they’ll see the confused hairs inside your nostrils and perhaps even the detritus of an imperfect sneeze.

    When you act superior, you’ll likely reveal something about yourself that isn’t so edifying.

    You’ll remind the object of your contempt that you might have areas that are none too pretty.

    This is something that porn stars understand. Banks, not so much.

    You’ll rarely meet a porn star who offers moral judgment on those who are beneath her.

    This is a preview of Why Won’t Banks Lend Money To Porn Stars?. Read the full post (634 words, 1 image, estimated 2:32 mins reading time)

  • On May 17, 2013

    McDonald’s Worker At Drive-Thru: Oy, That’s My Stolen Car

    Karma is the mistress of us all.

    She steers us, she teases us and, she punishes us.

    Once in a while, however, she brings us such a deep sense of justice that we kneel before her effigy and ask her forgiveness for the thousand times we have doubted her.

    Such a time came at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Washington State Tuesday morning.

    Virginia Maiden had not enjoyed a good morning. She had woken up early, only to discover that she used to have a Toyota 4-Runner.

    This is a preview of McDonald’s Worker At Drive-Thru: Oy, That’s My Stolen Car. Read the full post (385 words, 1 image, estimated 1:32 mins reading time)

  • On May 8, 2013

    Mark Sanford’s Win Is A Victory For Truth

    Some will offer jilted, stilted words on hearing that Mark Sanford was voted into Congress on behalf of a South Carolina district and that the offspring of Stephen Colbert and George Bush was not.

    There will be screams of anguish that it is possible to behave in a manner that inspires multi-syllabic words that end in “cker” and still gain power and influence.

    The liars have won, the hurt will say.

    The honest, the truthful, the hardworking have no chance when manipulated by those who would happily exchange Pampers for the Pampas.

    At least in South Carolina.

    This is a preview of Mark Sanford’s Win Is A Victory For Truth. Read the full post (383 words, 1 image, estimated 1:32 mins reading time)

  • On May 3, 2013

    Woman orders boyfriend to marry her two best friends too

    That altruism isn’t often so very true is a truism.

    If you really think people are selfless, then you’re probably living somewhere remote where people need to rely on each other or they’ll die.

    Either that, or you spent your formative years playing a child on a TV sitcom.

    There can surely be no one, therefore, who won’t stop, blink and then spend many hours looking into the mirror, when they hear the tale of the bride who wanted to make her friends happy too.

    Some brides can be smug.

    This is a preview of Woman orders boyfriend to marry her two best friends too. Read the full post (629 words, 1 image, estimated 2:31 mins reading time)

  • On April 30, 2013

    Man says he was detained over unflushed plane toilet

    In the pantheon of human weakness, there are some things that I struggle with.

    I can tolerate people making noise at the gym, unless they happen to sound like Woody Woodpecker at 105 decibels.

    I can tolerate cyclists, as long as they’re not wearing an excessively tight yellow shirt advertising some Italian cheese.

    However, every time I walk into a toilet and the bowl has been left unflushed, I find flashes of rage flushing my cheeks.

    It takes but a small second to push the handle or the button to wash away your digestive iniquities.

    This is a preview of Man says he was detained over unflushed plane toilet. Read the full post (517 words, 1 image, estimated 2:04 mins reading time)

  • On April 23, 2013

    Jimmy Kimmel Shows Us How Much (Little) We Know

    They're big fans of Dr. Shlomo and the G.I. Clinic.

    They’re big fans of Dr. Shlomo and the G.I. Clinic.

     

    Somewhere inside of us, we know who we really are.

    We just don’t want anyone else to know.

    It’s never really worked out for us, has it?

    The minute others see that we don’t know as much as we seem, aren’t quite as clever as we portray, they drift away, shaking their heads at a mixture of their own naivete and superiority.

    It’s hard for us to admit that we don’t know things. It’s just too painful to be exposed.

    This is a preview of Jimmy Kimmel Shows Us How Much (Little) We Know. Read the full post (597 words, 1 image, estimated 2:23 mins reading time)

  • On April 23, 2013

    Teachers Told Using Red Ink Is Upsetting Children

    The most important characteristic in being a teacher is sensitivity.

    It might well be that the kids in your class shout obscenities at you, refuse to work and could be armed.

    But if you’re going to really do your job, you have to first consider where the kids are coming from.

    Which is generally a place called Coddled Egoville.

    In Coddled Egoville, the kids have been fed with more positive energy than the average power station.

    They’ve been told they’re wonderful to within an inch of hiring an agent.

    This is a preview of Teachers Told Using Red Ink Is Upsetting Children. Read the full post (666 words, 1 image, estimated 2:40 mins reading time)

  • On April 19, 2013

    Guns, Guts, The Senate And The Pope

    On any given day, if you squint your eyes and look out toward the horizon, you can see a panoramic picture of the world.

    For this day, April 18, I would like to tell you what I see.

    I see a world where, if someone actually acts according to their stated beliefs, people seem surprised.

    We’re so used to money talking. Ask the flaccid members of the Senate, who voted along party lines against gun control.

    When I say “party lines,” I mean skipping the lines at the parties they always attend, in order to pick up money from those who would sell AK-47′s to someone with an IQ below 47.

    This is a preview of Guns, Guts, The Senate And The Pope. Read the full post (805 words, 1 image, estimated 3:13 mins reading time)

  • On April 8, 2013

    Man allegedly pawns own wedding ring to pay for prostitute

    His name isn’t John.

    At home, however, he might be about to get a Dear John.

    For this is the story of a man who, police say, needed sex so badly that he was prepared to sacrifice one of the deepest symbols of his marriage.

    As WYFF-TV surrounds it, Marvin Holmes II, 33, was arrested in Greenwood, South Carolina when police found him in an area notorious for prostitution with a woman who was not his wife.

    The conversation, at least in the police’s version, was a candid one. Between Holmes and the police, that is.

    This is a preview of Man allegedly pawns own wedding ring to pay for prostitute. Read the full post (363 words, 1 image, estimated 1:27 mins reading time)

  • On April 5, 2013

    Dear Health Professionals, Please Shut Up About Food

    Life has become impossible.

    It’s OK. I’m just talking about mine.

    You see, I’ve become unbalanced to a degree that I never imagined possible.

    For this — for once — I’d like to blame other people.

    Not former lovers. Well, not directly. I’ll come to them later.

    No, the people I want to blame are the people who frighten me into eating and not eating certain foods.

    I’ve come to a point where my mouth twitches before it allows anything past its gates. Growing up, you see, I believed that as long as I ate Kellogg’s Corn Flakes in the morning and no meat on Fridays, I would live until at least 110.

    This is a preview of Dear Health Professionals, Please Shut Up About Food. Read the full post (858 words, 1 image, estimated 3:26 mins reading time)
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